Sunday, January 15, 2017

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Embittered contemplations.

I am growing weary. I am contemplating taking a hiatus from Twitter. I realize I have loyal followers who have followed me for a few years; however, lately, I have become increasingly embittered. 

I don't feel comfortable with who I am becoming. 

All my life I have never judged anyone based on their skin color or their race. I have always loved and enjoyed learning about other cultures, even those on the other side of the earth. I have always loved anthropology, loved learning etymological roots of different languages and how they have interwoven through time, loved studying archeological research from all cultures. 

However, within the last few years I have begun to notice increasingly vitriolic rhetoric online and in all facets of media that is dangerously Anti-White in nature. At first when I began to notice it, I didn't think too much about it. It can't be ignored anymore. 

The incessant Anti-White rhetoric has put me on the defensive, as all White Americans should rightfully feel during these times. Anti-White rhetoric awakened me to a very serious threat against my loved ones. A threat that I won't tolerate. So, I have now become racially aware, whereas before I never really was. 

I have always stood up for the underdog. I've stepped in countless times as a young child when I saw black kids being antagonized by white kids, and vice versa. I would always step into the middle of it to break up the conflict. 

I believe with my whole heart in unity. Individuals unified and working together to make our Nation something that we can always be proud about. 

But, my tone online doesn't align with my true core. After defending myself from someone's nasty rhetoric against me, after spewing venom back at venom, I always feel badly. It always hurts me. I don't want to hurt people, and when I feel as if I have gone against that belief, it always ends up hurting me. Maybe the other person involved who I spoke harshly to... Maybe they don't even think twice about my words. That doesn't matter. I do. I revisit what I said after the heat of the moment, and I always feel badly. 

But, I am angry. 

I don't want to close my heart off to other cultures and races, although there are days when I feel it happening out of self-defense. I don't want to become bitter, angry, closed off. That's no way to live. A closed off heart is suffocating to the soul. 

I was born with a Merciful heart, a heart of compassion and love. That heart is becoming hardened. And, I don't like that unnatural version of me. 

I might take a step back from the cesspool of Twitter. Take a break for a short time or permanently. 

Our time on this earth is so precious. We never know if we will be here from one moment to the next. Look at us. Arguing with strangers online not knowing if that moment might be our last. 

I've always been afraid to truly embrace the fullness of the mercy I always felt deep within me. I can't explain what it feels like because it is so powerful, this thing called mercy. When I focus my energy on what I feel in my heart, it feels like a powerful flowing river. It is painful but in an amazingly strong way. It feels like my heart will explode into thousands of sparks of light. I just can't explain how it feels. 

I love humanity. I weep for what we have become. Where is our light? Our Love? 

Please, can we stop warring? Let our children have peace? 

Can we please not destroy this wonderful Nation we call America?